[POETRY] Womanhood

Drip conceit upon me like wax,
Hardening against my skin in armored
Pretending. With each wrong word
A hammer cracks against it.
My skin turns sallow with
The baptism of opinions from mouths
That don’t even know the taste
Of femininity.

I cross myself with fertile words.
Sacrifices to chastity, grace and honesty,
My three sisters who harangue me
Into a box in which I do not fit.
I will wash away this chalky
Second skin of regret and lost moments,
Seeing scorn on their expectant faces,
Bathing in their disappointment.

My failure to womanhood binds
Me as the sacrificial lamb. They will use
The cracks in my skin to plant seeds of
Lies made of should be and could be.
Watch the weeds grow and choke
My still form, unwilling and unconsenting
In a slumber so deep I would
Never wish to wake again.


[POEM] I fall apart

I fall apart. Away from myself.
With each spoken word I get
Closer to the lie I hide on the shelf
Behind my bed, hidden by sleep.
I can trace each truth on written
Method, with my finger, my eyes,
My imagination. I’m just smitten
With literate indulgence.

Listen not to my mouth, but watch
How I write. My pulse sits deep in
My wrist, but far from the latch
About my unhinged jaw.


[POEM] Contemporary memory

There’s a sharp pain in memories
That linger, poisonous.
They beg revisit, growing colonies
Of pain with each
Trespassing step taken in a picture
That was once real.

Letting the past seep into thought
And logic is like
Trying to fit words into rhyme.
Impossible when
The feelings are too strong. Too hard.

I lose my thread going over inept pains and ridiculous wanderings of my mind.

I don’t recognize that girl, and neither should you.



[POEM] It is back

It has reared its ugly head again.
I would say it was sadness, but it is pain.
I would say it is a dip, but it’s a trough.
It feels as if I will never be enough.
It has crawled its way into my heart,
Hoping to tear my progress apart.
As long as it has taken me to move on,
It suddenly feels as if it’s never been gone.
My self control is waning every second.
I can’t help but fall into this fecond
Pit of material comfort. I would rather
Crawl out than stand, buried, than gather
Dust down here.

Down here alone, and failing.


[POEM] Eternally yours

Crush. Debilitating
Rush of blood
To the head, throbbing
Until the world starts to
Heady. Suddenly
Unsteady and
Tumbling, unevenly
Because though I’m not
Infecting. Slicing,
Dissecting me from
My bones. You’re enticing
Me for more. My heart is
Pain. Your love
Strain is asked
For, begged for. Shove
The hurt into me without
Sunk. Prepared
Drunk that I am,
Addicted and bared
Onto you, never stop
This perfect and never ending pain.


[POEM] Trembles

My skin trembles like badly made lines
Drawn onto cheap, crumbling paper.
My insides feel barely drawn in to these
Makeshift shapes, as if they could spill out.

I shy away when the sun beats and shines
Down against my inconsistent labor.
My attempt to live. My avoidance of peace.
Makeshift existence that I can live without.

Shakes wrack my thoughts and physical
Form constantly. Sometimes noticed,
Other times ignored through the heady
Sensations of another day loved.

Voices in my head again, all eligible
For my attention. The closest, focused
Shrieks they let out overcome just any
Other noise, drawing my heated blood.



[POEM] Blue Milk

It’s odd that one might have a vision of what might be,
When looking into the unknowing beyond.
To think that I had once expected your shape, your taste
And your glances long before I had met you.
I constructed a vessel that would hold my love to be,
Never once had my idiocy truly dawned
Upon me. I simply kept looking for this image with haste.
Convinced every second that my vision was true.

You were a glass of shapes unprecedented. Not just that,
But as I poured, expecting white, pristine milk,
You came out blue. Not unpleasant, not wrong, just
Different. Blue milk from an alien world.
Mild urges to run had to be suppressed, my mind spat
In anger as it struggled to determine your ilk.
You were not the vessel, you were not the want. Lust,
Need and truth was born, and finally unfurled.

Sipping blue milk, I found it not unpleasant.
Sipping blue milk, I found myself hesitant.
Sipping blue milk, and I was in another time.
I knew then, that we had been attached from birth with twine.
Softly floating towards each other, blindly.
You encompassed every single need totally.
You were unlike anything I had ever seen, imagined.

And that was when our love began.


[Poem] In so many words

I love you, in so many uncomplicated words
That trail through my mind, flickering and
Indistinct like stars amid an ink sky full of
Spent wonder. Eyes could never truly capture
This beauty, and my soul can only just
Manage to form words that might confess
The wonder of what you truly are.
I bleed all the world’s colours from my chest.
Hollow with wanting and full of love,
Always undulating with joy, loss, sorrow.
Unbearable mirth, continuous warmth
And turmoil of every shade from the milky way.
Each hue feels full and lush. I would be
Nothing without them. Breath pointless.
Words meaningless. Twinkling skies just
Eons of endless, cold wonder that I would
Not want to face. But with you by my side,
Among my tide of pouring colours tumbling
From my emptied chest, I face it bravely.
I face eternity, knowing that just for a
Speck of it, I am yours and you are mine.

And in that knowledge I can breathe.
I am no longer choked by fear.
I feel fear. I feel trepidation.
But I also feel you. The most precious sensation my soul has ever known.



I love him. So much so that sometimes it turns into pain.

There are times when we’re not perfect, but never are we ever fully broken apart. I don’t think we ever could be.

Undramatic, unconditional love that just -is-. It’s so silent and simple. Even when depression built a wall between us and tore me down, he still stood waiting patiently, accepting me for who I am.

I will forever count myself lucky to have experience love, respect and kindness from this man. Lucky to finally see what love should look like.

My anxiety gives me the deepest terror, it tells me I might lose him. Because I once came so close to that. I would change my entire life if I had to, and to be honest I really did make so many changes, just to make sure I could make him happy.

And he was patient, he made his own changes, we both moved forward together. We did everything we could and compromised, so we could keep the promise of love and happiness together.

I miss him always. He is mine as much as my body is mine.