Fingertips lace against the thin film of sleep
Endlessly and without successful reverie
And she keeps her eyes wide open, in hope
She will spot the sandman knocking at her door.
Cold air washes over her old bones left in the
Mortal realm of consciousness. She wilts,
A broken flower that feeds on starlight in her
Dreams. She begins to weaken into herself daily.
Bleached beneath alter darkness, skin flushes
With desperation. Mind forgets and numbs as
Pill after pill tumbles past her lips and down the
Cavern of her throat. Her roots are stuck in her bed.
Alone, as anyone beneath moonlight with wide
Quiet eyes always is. Her brown orbs hush deeply.
The silence echoes around her as her heart begs.
Let me visit my dreams once more. Let me live.
I can feel their grip tightening today.
Where reality becomes as tenuous
As the breath from my imagined
Demons. Which should I turn
My cheek to?
Reaching for their overdue pay.
They make living just as arduous
As the dreams that blackened
My heart. How should I burn
My sins away?
I curl myself into comforts that
Stretch as far as time, but penetrate
Shallow into my soul. When will
I be whole. When should I battle
For my life?
Vision turns angled and flat.
Sounds bombard me and reverberate
Through bleached bones. My pill
Won’t make me whole. Who will rattle
My chains for freedom?
Darkness and coffin surround
Me unseen, until I bury myself,
With only my imagination to weep
At my death. What has this
Sorry life become?
It still strikes within my broken body
When I had thought it was dying a death.
It turns, grinning and moving wildly
And reminds me of its depth and breadth.
All consuming, it pushes in madly
Demanding I give it each ragged breath.
All sense of time and true reality
Leaves me, as does my soul’s wealth.
Footfalls unbidden, ruffling dusted lanes.
Heavy, unabashed. Soft loudness
Brushes against the leaves of living
Trees, surrounding the dusk light.
She saw their frame close in to her.
Enfold around her as her eyes widened.
The trumpets of war sounded as her
Steps came to a halt. At first echoes
Were enough, but soon Apollo would
Not allow just a gentle thrum within
Her ears. Birds twittered, swelling
Sounds of earth and rock and life.
Noise rooted her. Slowly Deafening.
Her eyes stared as Dusk lanced
Into her heart, golden and muted
Purple with poison. She watched.
As she died, she watched.
As the sky fell into her empty chest.
Her void heart had begged for this
Living death. Tears dripped, thick,
From her empty eyes. The sky
Wept with her from cloudless depths:
“Sky child your time is done. Come
Back to my cold heights in love.”
Knees buckles, skin bled as limp
Body slumped to the ground. She
Felt herself drift away, to the sky,
To its mellowing darkness and lofty
Heights. Forever. And he would have
To find her. Hidden, in plain sight, behind a cloudless sky.
Tell me how I should love you, while
Numb to the tips of my fingers and toes.
Tell me how I should feel one with you,
Though I am a shattered creation by myself.
Tell me how you survive on such meagre
Rations as hope. Gruel in replacement for
The constant love I once gave to you.
Tell me how I should love you, me
Who is full of hate and black storms.
Tell me how I should feel when I can’t
Even touch your skin without sorrow.
Tell me how you continue to hold stars
In your eyes for me when I am nought
But uncertainty and suffering.
Tell me how I used to love you, with
Clutching hands and certain chest.
Tell me how I used to feel, your soft
Skin quickening and comforting at once.
Tell me how you felt when you first
Found out that my soul was dying, and
Fast behind it was racing my heart.
I will tell you I love you, soon,
And know I mean it to my depths.
I will feel you, whole, and become lost
In your world of faeries and darkness.
You will wonder how we could have
Ever been otherwise, you and I.
You probably already do.
How we could have ever been full of love,
When now you are time and patience, and
I am pain. Shadow beaten pain.
Mindless box kept aloft on strength
Built on years of plugging on
Without thought. Without sense.
What other strength is there,
Besides this fog of desensitization?
What other meaning besides making
It through and back to the Earth
As unscathed as humanly possible.
And taking the longest to get there.
Head hung, weighltess atop this
Weighty body. Power built for what?
Not for any real purpose, not for
The battle she keeps expecting to come.
She has trained the wrong muscle.
Left her brain and feelings to rot
Beneath the leachings of modern
Disease, not so modern and just
Crossed wires of back then and now.
Hopeless, and waiting for a pill to
Numb this numbness she has
Built to survive. Built to revive
Herself from the pain, but she does
Not remember that fire and ashes
Bring new life, not soft and safe
Build your nest on needles and sheer
Cliffs, young bird, and watch yourself
One footstep, controlled and measured
Brings me forward for your inspection.
Eyes dart from sharp to eventually pleasured
Gaze. It’s odd, your soul is my reflection.
Looks were all we had at first, and words.
Oh so many words. Tumbling out desperately
Trying to convey how close our worlds
Want to be. We joined together so perfectly.
Head rested on arm, and words quelled
Behind kisses. Breath ran hot. Finally.
I looked into your eyes, and they spelled
Out how fallen love had made me lonely.
I picked your laugh, your smile, every
Gentle and kind detail of you. I chose
To take your darkness, too. The very
Shadows that could strike fear. Yes, those.
Those fearful heartbeats with soundless
Energy that you can’t even communicate
To your shared soul, me. Oh countless
Times you’ve closed off like an iron gate.
But I know you. There is comfort in
Knowing you. Solace in touching even
The parts you hate. And I will sin
With you, forever. Because chosen love is something I believe in.
This particular poem gives me hope, regardless of whether I am in love or not. Each and every time I listen to it, this wonderful piece by Anthony Anaxagorou, it makes my heart swell and pushes out emotions when I though I could no longer feel them.
Find words that make you feel. Past darkness, past the nothingness. Tears, laughter, anything that isn’t frustration and numb.
How do we know how alone we are?
Is it when we trust ourselves into a stranger’s arms?
Is it when we realize that trust only extends to the blink of an eye?
Or maybe when we finally release and fall into the burning sky.
Only you. You whose heart is so open.
Open to me and closed to the pain that intimacy brings.
Weeping from the back of my world of eternal, painful sleep.
There’s no better love waiting for this pitiful soul to keep.
Just justify me with a diagnosis, whole.
Just give me the pills I need and throw me to the cold.
We all deserve better love than disposable prescriptions.
It beckons to me, a soldier left to the conscription.
And you’ll watch me. Falling away from grace.
Looking up to heaven, just empty, heavy outer space.
I once hoped, shaken through with every tear and breath
Hush a bye honey, and keep lying for the purpose of death.
Knowing how alone we are, how known we are.
There is no better love for us sitting here in mortality.
All diseased but clutching the cure to ourselves selfishnly.
We run in circles, chasing our own pain endlessly.
Our truth will be burned from History, even as
Each one of us screams “WITNESS ME” into the black.
Void, so vast it burns us away from the books. Paper meaningless
And stained. Justified is this death, and these actions with the words:
We didn’t know any better.
You seem to forget that you were born of star matter.
That what forged you was pure love, and need.
Yet you live a life where your loves and needs are subdued
By the earthly soil around you, grateful to have a fallen
Star grace its surface after so many millennia of darkness.
You seem to forget that the possibilities may be limited,
But they are endless, too. That the darkness does surround us
And in turn we digest it whole. But your innards are flame,
Flicker only subdued but never, ever, extinguished.
How could they be? You are made of Star Matter.
The world doesn’t see your strength, because you let it lie
Dormant beneath the surface. A mountain that was once
A volcano, accepting sacrifice and passion in its name.
A place where voices rose around you and impregnated
Your very being. But now, they look as if you don’t matter.
You walk mute, letting the disease of mortality touch your
Soul. You breathe in their poison, pushing through the
Infected masses until you forget just how brightly you burn.
But I am made of Star Matter, from eons and eons ago.
And I will not stand to let my heavenly love extinguish.
I will not allow you to fall into this mortal trap, as so many others have. My battle is never ending, and though I too have swallowed darkness, I float atop it.
I love you, my dwindling star, we were tied to each other
From the beginning of eternity. I know your eyes no longer
See beneath these fleshy coils, but mine do. They see beneath
The lies they have clothes you in, as you watched on with
Sad acceptance. I see you. I see you, and beyond that –
I love you.