[POEM] Living in other worlds (inspired by “Other Worlds” by Trivium

We’re dreaming in color
But we’re living in other worlds
Breathing in other worlds

“She’s drowning”

His eyes light upon his found prize.

He has searched through heaven, with hope in his heart.

And there he found her, next to his body, far gone from his spirit.

Her eyes were vacant as they stared through him,
Gold leaf painting the sky as it bled for her, for them.
Every cloud was finished with a murder red trim
As if someone had sliced off each one’s hem.

Blind, and breathless, a cage for a bird was her body,
No longer a vessel for life, as she found herself lost.
Living in another world. Breathing in the other worlds.

She choked on this grey sin, though he was holy.
Her form, cut with hues, was crippled from heavy cost.
Dying here, while her soul reached out to other worlds.

You’re like a song within a nightmare
A thought within a scream

Lances burst through with colour on solid flesh,
Desperate tears run ink black down pale skin,
Living within her own mind, she finds the colours
Of her torment painted on the sky, in its spears
And dripping languorously. So beautiful. So Fresh.
Eyes wide, she had seen her fate before, akin
To a dream, unlike a nightmare, fleshed behind doors.
Her fingers tremble against her death. It burns. It sears.

His knees grit beside her broken body, fingers seeking her relief.
His hands coat in her purple and red ink, her black tears of paint.
His eyes watch, as the dark figure of death swirls like a thief.
His soul prays, hoping this world lost traveler finds a saint.

To rid her of her colorful sin.

To mend the broken bird of her suicide.

To heal his knowledge of her, and forget what he knew… That he knew she would choke and die in this world, when she was connected to so many.

We’re dreaming in color
But we’re living in other worlds
Breathing in other worlds

Her, broken. He, welled with grey tears.
Fingers forever stained with her years
Of blooming, hue filled pain.
A rainbow of sorrow.

 

[Poem] Blessed

Finding the right words to express joy
When it has been a longtime stranger…
Learning to feel its elation through my bones
Is hard enough, but to entrap it with words?

It’s as if I have found an old childhood toy,
And am struggling to make it work. Danger
Is in the back of my mind. Chance blown
As my fingers clumsily untangle it in thirds.

The tip between happiness and pitfalls
Is far too near to rest easy within glee.
But I still clutch onto it, not too hard,
In hopes I can keep it near.

 

[POEM] The burning

My bones have wilted ‘neath
The harsh glare of the sun.
Limbs weak, gaze languid,
Stars blocked from eyes with
Grey storm clouds.
My tongue lies heavy in
My mouth, an unwelcome
Visitor in this casket that
Once lived so brightly. So very
Intermittently. A candle
Flickering, born and dying
Every hour, never able to
Make up its mortal mind.
It asks: Am I fire?
Or am I being burned?
Through the pain and
Self awareness it does not know.
I do not know.
But what is the different if
The slow burning pain
Feels just the same either way?

[POEM] Tether

This tether is tenuous, flimsy
As I swing against billowing wind.
Half sleeping wakefullness,
Drinking in my lethargy like the
Sweetest liqueur.

Swimming in syrup that chokes
Into my lungs, I can’t gasp
Or scream, though I desperately
Want to. Spitting out the bile only
For it to pour back in.

I can’t cling, or grab, or crawl,
Only swing at the mercy of this
Thin string of consciousness.
When will I be awake enough
To smell the Earth again?

[POEM] .

I can feel their grip tightening today.
Where reality becomes as tenuous
As the breath from my imagined
Demons. Which should I turn
My cheek to?

Reaching for their overdue pay.
They make living just as arduous
As the dreams that blackened
My heart. How should I burn
My sins away?

I curl myself into comforts that
Stretch as far as time, but penetrate
Shallow into my soul. When will
I be whole. When should I battle
For my life?

Vision turns angled and flat.
Sounds bombard me and reverberate
Through bleached bones. My pill
Won’t make me whole. Who will rattle
My chains for freedom?

Darkness and coffin surround
Me unseen, until I bury myself,
With only my imagination to weep
At my death. What has this
Sorry life become?

[POEM] Sometimes

It still strikes within my broken body
When I had thought it was dying a death.

It turns, grinning and moving wildly
And reminds me of its depth and breadth.

All consuming, it pushes in madly
Demanding I give it each ragged breath.

All sense of time and true reality
Leaves me, as does my soul’s wealth.

[DEPRESSION] 2 weeks over – What now?

Two weeks have passed, and though my sleeping has improved (Wahey waking up at 5am instead of somewhere around 3am), I now feel anxious when I wake up.

My mind unpleasantly wrestles me from sleep at full strength, whirring before I even know sleep is over. My dreams are vivid, but I don’t remember most of them and that suits me just fine.

Queasy, reactive stomach, though my libido seems… fine? Not under-active and it’s resurfaced after a long depression related dormant period.

BUT – I actually felt feelings yesterday. And once the day before. I almost giggled in public, and I actually felt endorphins when I went to the gym. So instead of being permanently grey or irritated, or hateful, I have actually begun to feel some joy.

I really didn’t realise how much it had been missing from my life until I felt that little spark. It was such a shock, and such an alien feeling that it actually hurts a little, and makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable at moments.

But I’m looking forward to learning how to feel and be vulnerable again, which I haven’t had to do in a long time.

Vulnerability is something I’ll have to focus on.

[DEPRESSION] Week 2 of Prozac

Sleep. Sleep has finally started to come back to me somewhat.

The first week was queasy spells, sleepless nights (waking up at 3am), some anxiety, exhaustion, confusion, forgetfullness and continuous yawning. The acid reflux was pretty bad, too, and I found myself eating more to cope with the stress. First day I was incredibly suicidal, thoughts of self harm continuously and crying in the bathrooms at work, and even more at home.

Week 2, waking up is less painful. I actually get a half decent sleep, though I’m still exhausted and my stomach is still upset and showing the signs. Heart burn is still worse than usual, and I’m completely forgetful. I’ll move to do something, only to forget instantly what it is I’m supposed to be doing.

Less gym due to low energy, which also means back pain. Eating less now, barely ate yesterday. Heavy palpitations for hours, feeling sick, anxious, work was a bit too much. I’m definitely improving, just slowly. I’m hoping the positive effects start soon.

Palpitations seem to have started again, and I’m so distracted I can barely focus.

 

How I’ve pulled through it? By allowing myself more treats, more time to myself, being less hard on myself, taking time to relax and pushing myself to be comfortable with help.

I’ve been lucky enough to have so much support from the people around me, and though I feel uncomfortable accepting help, I’ve pushed myself to do it. It’s helped A LOT, and I feel like I’m actually enjoying things a little again.

[POEM] Tell me

Tell me how I should love you, while
Numb to the tips of my fingers and toes.
Tell me how I should feel one with you,
Though I am a shattered creation by myself.
Tell me how you survive on such meagre
Rations as hope. Gruel in replacement for
The constant love I once gave to you.

Tell me how I should love you, me
Who is full of hate and black storms.
Tell me how I should feel when I can’t
Even touch your skin without sorrow.
Tell me how you continue to hold stars
In your eyes for me when I am nought
But uncertainty and suffering.

Tell me how I used to love you, with
Clutching hands and certain chest.
Tell me how I used to feel, your soft
Skin quickening and comforting at once.
Tell me how you felt when you first
Found out that my soul was dying, and
Fast behind it was racing my heart.

I will tell you I love you, soon,
And know I mean it to my depths.
I will feel you, whole, and become lost
In your world of faeries and darkness.
You will wonder how we could have
Ever been otherwise, you and I.
You probably already do.

How we could have ever been full of love,
When now you are time and patience, and
I am pain. Shadow beaten pain.