This is coming from a person who has so far come into so many ‘walls’ with the NHS that she’s too tired to try anymore.
They’ve had me crying on the phone while arguing with me about their professionalism, keep expecting me to be able to drop an hour out of my day to provide the same information I’ve provided over and over again (an hour of my working day, where I would then have to return to work in an overly emotional state) and have informed me that my wage means I -should- be paying £30 an hour when I am distinctly quite broke living in London.
I have started facing the idea of medication with no professional aid, despite the fact that Mind recommends only using medication for severe depression, and that it shouldn’t be your sole method of recovery.
I loathe the idea of going back on to medication, but the constant exhaustion and reliance on cigarettes, alcohol and other substances to cope is too much. I’ve fooled myself with looking at over the counters, such as St John’s Wort, because I don’t want side effects that come with my pills. I keep thinking if I just keep carrying on and trying my best to live that eventually I will start to live. It’s become my daily lie, mostly because I’m exhausted. The smaller part of me, however, has just given up hope I can ever lead a functioning life without physical pain, mental anguish and often times a total lack of emotions plaguing me on a daily basis.So, I’m heading back to medication, and hopefully with a good dose of healthy eating, exercise, meditation and spending my money on happiness instead of image… Who knows, I might at least find myself again.
I don’t take this decision lightly, and neither should anyone else. I have deliberated, spoken to my nearest and most trusted friends. Most of my friends always ask “Have you seen your Doctor? Why aren’t you in therapy?” continuously, which is less than helpful. I feel accused, as if I’m choosing to be ill, and maybe that’s what pushed me to now think of medication again.
I didn’t hate the medication, but I hated the lack of care and information my doctors had. When I said I wanted to come off them, they didn’t have a conversation with me, they didn’t seem concerned. It was just “Do you feel able to come off them? Ok, taper them off… ” and I was told how to reduce dosage until I didn’t need my tablets anymore.
They don’t seem to realise I was first diagnosed 13 years ago. I know I’m the best judge of my mental state, but surely coming off medication warrants some sort of check up? A couple of therapy sessions while you begin to cope with normal life?
Things went wrong, I heaved and almost threw up due to my body’s reaction to coming off my meds in the way they suggested. I was told this was abnormal – ok fine – but after being given further medication advice that contradicted Mind I just said enough was enough. I was done trusting these people who obviously had no idea what they were doing.
I hate that I have to trust these people AGAIN. I don’t want to trust them. I have the distinct impression they don’t care, even though they assure me they do while I sit and weep in the patient’s chair, livid and exhausted.
I’m rambling now. I hope any of you with mental health problems have better facilities you can reach out to, and if not please do use any resources you can.
You can do this.